JUST WALK NEXT DOOR TO TALK - IT'S CHEAPER!
Agent: Thank you for contacting <Company> about your wireless service, my name is Christina, how can we help today?
Customer: I get free mobile to mobile calling on my current plan but I am getting charged for mobile to mobile calls.
Agent: Well ok, can I get the numbers you’re dialing so I can check them in my system?
* Customer provides me with the numbers and I check them to see if they are of the same service provider to qualify as “mobile to mobile” *
Agent: Well there is the problem Ma'am, these numbers are from a different service provider and therefore do not qualify for mobile to mobile.
Customer: But they’re my neighbours!!
Agent: Yes, but your neighbors are not one of our customers.
Customer: But they’re in a MOBILE HOME!!

PLEASE HOLD WHILE I CONNECT YOU WITH THE ANGER MANAGEMENT DEPARTMENT...
Agent: Thank you for contacting <Company> Support, how can we help today?”
Customer: “Well I have a problem with anger.
Agent: *hesitates for customer to elaborate* Ok…, well how can I help with your BLACKBERRY today?
Agent: Well you see, one day my BlackBerry was vibrating, it just kept vibrating and vibrating and VIBRATING! It just wouldn’t stop! So I grabbed it, and I THREW it against a wall and it SHATTERED into a million pieces!
Agent: *assesses the situation* Ah, so you’re looking for repair and exchange options today?
Customer: Yes, yes exactly.
Agent: Ok Sir, I need to get a serial number from your smartphone, I understand it's shattered, do you happen to see a piece that you used to insert the battery into? It should have a white sticker on it.
Customer: Well that’s another problem you see, after I broke my device I gathered up the pieces and I BURNT THEM!
Agent: Y-you BURNT the pieces of your broken BlackBerry sir?
Customer: *insane raspy voice*  It just wouldn’t stop…VIBRATING
Agent:Ok sir, I apologize but due to the nature of the damage, this would be deemed beyond economical repair.
Customer: WHAT?! That…makes…me SO ANGRY!!!! ARRRGGGHHH!!!
*Series of swears, shatters and bangs followed by a dial tone*

SORRY, PARAKEETS ARE NOT COVERED!
I work for an insurance company call-center, and was enrolling a client into a newly-offered accident policy for the first time. My supervisor was standing by. She asked me to read to the customer a full list of exclusions. This was painful enough in and of itself, as the elderly lady continued to express her shock and surprise with my ever more adventuresome suggestions: operating, learning to operate, or serving as a crew member of any aircraft; hot air ballooning, .. ("oh dear, no") bungee jumping, ... (laugh "no, no") parachuting, scuba diving, parasailing ("oh my"). But her gasps and laughs, already a little amusing, were merely the tip of the iceberg. The next step: I was going to add "parakiting" to the list, but when I did, I read it, "PARAKEETING." I cracked a smile, intent on moving on, but my supervisor could not control it -- she BUST OUT laughing! I had to mute the phone just before losing it myself. It took us a good long moment to regain our composure before I could get back to the caller and say, (despite knowing full well that she had heard all of the laughing) "thank you for excusing our technical difficulties." What I really wanted to say was, "I am sorry lady, but if you are breeding birds, and something goes wrong, you're on your own!"

 

FOR THE BEST SOUP, JUST ADD A PINCH OF CELL PHONE
Conversation between a CSR at a Mobile Company in Caribbean
Agent: (pleasantly) Good-day, how may I assist?
Customer: (in heavy dialect)  Morning Ma'am, I have a problem, can you help me?
Agent: Sure, delighted to assist; please let me know how I can help.
Customer: Ma'am, I was cooking a big pot of Red Pea Soup and I had my cell phone in my bosom (in bra) and I realized that it not in my bosom anymore so I started to look for the phone Ma'am then I think back and the last I had it was over the pot... (pause from customer)
Agent: Hello?  Please do continue, what happened?
Customer: Yes, the peas in the pot was pressuring Ma'am, so I took the pot off the stove Ma'am and I took me long spoon and started stirring the pot to ensure the peas ok and I realize that the phone was pressuring into the pot for 30 minutes.  Now I don’t know what to do, please tell me how you can help me.
Agent: Well the phone may be water damaged, I'm not sure if it will still work my dear, since it was in the pot pressuring for 30 minutes you may need to take to the repair centre, which will be……
Customer: (interjects) Ma'am, don’t care 'bout the phone, that can pass.  Is the Red Pea Soup still good to eat? Don't have any more time to cook a pot of soup again.  Ma'am, do please tell me the soup not spoiled...it can still 'eat'?
Agent: (long pause…mutes the call...dying of laughter)  I’m not sure, perhaps you may confirm with a doctor if it still healthy to eat??
Customer: I eat it, it taste even sweeter so I will try my luck!  Take care, have a good day Ma'am, thanks.
Agent: Sure, you too!  Have a good day.

 

"ENTER"...THE KEY TO SUCCESS
I work at a phone company that supplies mobile internet connections.  I got a call from a customer one day complaining that her internet wasn’t working. After about ten minutes of the usual checks I realised that the customer was connected so I asked her to open an internet browser.

Agent: Can you click in to the address bar and type www.google.com please?
Customer: I've don’t this already and it didn’t work.
Agent: Will you do it again for me anyway?

Customer: Alright.
Agent: W-W-W-DOT-G-O-O-G-L-E-DOT-C-O-M and now press "enter".
Customer: Oh, you have to press "enter"?

 

CAN I GET FRIES WITH THAT?
I am the supervisor of the bank’s receptionist. The other day she hung up laughing; she said she just got a call and the caller asked to speak “to the girl at the takeout window”. Our receptionist replied back, “Sir, do you know you are calling a bank, not a restaurant ?” He said “I know, I was just at your bank and I went to the takeout window”. Our receptionist told him she would be happy to connect him “to the teller at the drive-up window”. In her 15 years of banking, that was the first time she had someone refer to our drive-up as a “take out window”.

WHERE OH WHERE IS "OVER THERE"?
I work for a major cctv manufacturer and we ask customers all kinds of questions regarding their systems. On this call I was trouble shooting a system with the customer and I asked him where his cctv camera was located and he said "over there".  I had to ask him where "over there" was.  He said "Oh, I am sorry it's on the building across the way." When he said "over there", I had to mute and make sure he could not hear me laughing!